A parody of ‘Kidnapping My Child’ that leaves much to be desired, as seen through the eyes of the Abductor. [Digestion of sick humor in light of current events? >>> NEVER!]
the story unwraps like a sequel to aquateen………..and den……..
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Congratulations! You have embarked on a great adventure. Kidnapping a child is probably unlike anything you have done before. If you are a first-time kidnapper you may be hesitant; perhaps you have lingering scruples. It is true that you will probably do irreparable harm to your own child, but no matter.
But look at the advantages! You can be rid of that swine you used to live with, with all his tedious opinions about child-rearing. NOW YOU call all the shots! What could be more rewarding? And a little extra cash each month never hurts, eh?
Few people realize how easy abduction is. It happens 1,000 times a day. So if you’re thinking, “I could never get away with it,” wake up! Thousands do. In fact many only realize the possibility when they become victims. Then they invariably say, “If only I had known how easy it is I would have done it myself!” So don’t be caught off guard. Read on, and discover the exciting world of child kidnapping and extortion.
Once you have what you want, you will realize that the father is no longer necessary; well……… except for child support, of course.
A mother should consider snatching as soon as she suspects the father might. Preventive snatching may not look good, but hey, you have the kid. If you hit the road, it could take years to track you down.
Surprise is crucial for an elegant abduction. Wait until the other parent is away, and clean the place out thoroughly. Take all the child’s effects, because if you don’t grab it now you will never get it, and you will never be forced to return any of it. The more you have, the better “home” you can claim to provide. You also want to achieve the maximum emotional devastation to your ex-spouse. Like the terrorist, you want to impress with how swift, sudden, and unpredictable your strike can be. Anything that keeps the child in your possession and away from their father works to your advantage.
Find superficial ways to appear cooperative. Inform the father of your decisions (after you have made them). At the same time avoid real cooperation. The judge will conclude that the parents “can’t agree” and leave you in charge. Since it is standard piety that joint custody requires “cooperation,” the easiest way to sabotage joint custody is to be as uncooperative as possible.
Going to court is also a great opportunity to curtail anything you dislike about your spouse’s child-rearing. If you don’t like his religion or his take on politics get an injunction against him discussing it. Is he fussy about being honest and/or proper behavior? Getting a court order is easier than you think. You may even get the child’s entire upbringing micro-managed by judicial directives.
Charges of physical abuse are also helpful. Accusing a father of abusing his own children is very easy and can be satisfying for its own sake.
Don’t worry about proving the charges. An experienced judge will recognize trumped-up allegations. This is not important, since no one will ever blame the judge for being “better safe than sorry,” and accusations create business for his cronies. You yourself will never have to answer for false charges. The investigation also buys time during which you can further claim to be establishing a routine while keeping Dad at a distance and programming the children against him.
Abuse accusations are also marvelously self-fulfilling. What more logical way to provoke a parent to lash out than to take away his children? Men naturally become violent when someone interferes with their children. The more you can torment him with the ruin of his family, home, livelihood, savings, and sanity, the more likely that he will self-destruct, thus demonstrating his unfitness.
Get the children themselves involved. Children are easily convinced of anything you might say. Once the suggestion is planted, any affection from their father will elicit a negative reaction, making your suggestion self-fulfilling in the child’s mind. And if one of your new lovers actually has hurt the child, you can divert the accusation to Dad.
Dripping poison into the hearts of your children can be gratifying, and it is a joy to watch the darlings absorb your hostility. Young children can be filled with venom fairly easily just by telling them what a rat their father is as frequently as possible.
Older children present more of a challenge. They may have fond memories of the love and fun they once experienced with him. These need to be expunged or at least tainted. Try little tricks like saying, “Today you will be seeing your father, but don’t worry, it won’t last long.” Worry aloud about the other parent’s competence to care for the child or what unpleasant or dangerous experience may be in store during the child’s visit. Sign the child up for organized activities that conflict with Dad’s visits. Or promise fun things, like a trip to Disneyland, which then must be “cancelled” to visit Dad.
You will soon discover how neatly your techniques reinforce one another. For example, marginalizing the father and alienating the child become perfect complements merely by suggesting that Daddy is absent because he does not love you. What could be more logical in their sweet little minds!
Remember too, this guide is no substitute for a good lawyer, since nothing is more satisfying than watching a hired goon beat up on your child’s father in a courtroom.
And now you can do what you like! You can warehouse the kids in daycare while you work (or whatever it is that you do nowadays). You don’t have to worry about brushing hair or teeth, or cleaning the toe jam between your toes. You can even drug the child up when you feel he is being a brat. Furthermore, you can feed them fast food every night or even better, just give them Cheez Whiz. And if they become a real annoyance you can always just turn them over to the state social services agency.
You are free!
Weeeeeeeeee……….
