I was once having a conversation with G.O.D. and my 250 girlfriends at Ted Nugent’s house and an interesting subject came up. Anyway, someone asked, “Why are guys so quiet in bed.” And while this is by no means true for all guys, here is my answer.
Guys are quiet in bed because we are too busy thinking. You heard me right. Thinking. Deep thoughts. You see, it seems to generally be the guy’s job (at least in my experience) to make the girl feel as good as possible and have sweet, sweet, sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet everlasting orgasms. The girl, on the other hand, is generally content to just lay back and see what I’ve got to offer.
Not only am I thinking during sex, I am multi-tasking. My neuro-net processor of a brain is pounding algorithms as fast as my penis is pounding pussy.
Just what is going through my head during sex? Like the moon, this is a frontier so far journeyed only by man. But here is a small window of what goes on in my head during sex:
“Alright, time for some action”
“I hope I don’t fuck up this time”
“Is that the right hole?”
“Oh wait, there it is”
“All right, lets start out slow”
It isn’t long before my thoughts turn into a quiet panic.
BRAIN: “Damn, she just moved.”
BRAIN: “Did I do something right, or did I hurt her”
[soft moaning starts]
BRAIN: “She’s making noises!”
BRAIN: “Pain noises or pleasure noises?”
BRAIN: “Let try stepping up the pace a little”
[increased moaning]
BRAIN: “More noises, Im pretty sure that’s pleasure now”
BRAIN: “Oh yeah, she’s starting to flush, I like that”
BRAIN: “Lets try changing the angle a bit”
………………………..
BRAIN: “Nope, didn’t like that”
[Moans quieting]
BRAIN: “Damn, what was I doing before?”
BRAIN: “Fuck it, lets try a different position”
WOMAN: “OUCH!”
BRAIN: “Yeah….that one was definitely pain”
WOMAN: “What are you doing?”
BRAIN: “Mayday! Mayday!”
BRAIN: “Decrease Velocity!”
BRAIN: “Open flaps”
BRAIN: “Landing gear engaged”
BRAIN: “Disengage primary thrusters”
BRAIN: “Systems check”
ME: “You alright?”
WOMAN: “Uh….Yeah”
BRAIN: “No system damage”
ME: “Alright, lets try this again”
—five minutes later….computer pretty much takes over—
BRAIN: “Allright, back on track”
[Moans increasing in volume and frequency]
BRAIN: “Target in sight, hold position”
[Full body blush commencing]
BRAIN: “C’mon…….C’mon”
[Back arching]
BRAIN: “Hold it……Hold it…..”
COMPUTER: WARNING! WARNING!
COMPUTER: ERR-ERR-ERR
BRAIN: “Oh shit”
COMPUTER: SYSTEM OVERLOAD IMMINENT
BRAIN: “Oh shit, not yet!”
[Moaning above 80 decibals]
BRAIN: “Just a little longer”
COMPUTER: DANGER HULL INTEGRITY
COMPUTER: SYSTEM OVERLOAD COMMENCING
BRAIN: “FUCK! I’m not going to make it”
BRAIN: “Pull out and prepare for manual override”
COMPUTER: SYSTEM OVERLOAD __________
BRAIN: “Pull out, pull out”
COMPUTER: AUTO PILOT ENGAGED
BRAIN: “NO! DISENGAGE! DISENGAGE!”
COMPUTER: TARGET LOCKED….TARGET LOCKED
BRAIN: “If I cum now, will it be too soon?”
BRAIN: “If I cum now, will it be too soon?”
BRAIN: “If I cum now, will it be too soon?”
COMPUTER: [Target heart rate reached]
COMPUTER: [Breathing nominal]
BRAIN: “Must….hold….on”
COMPUTER: [FEMALE ORGASM COMMENCING]
BRAIN: “can’t…..hold it”
COMPUTER: [FEMALE ORGASM COMMENCING]
BRAIN: “Its out of my control, its in G.O.D.’s hands now”
COMPUTER: “PRIMARY VALVE: EJACULATING”
[keeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrRRRRRRRRRR SPLAT!]
COMPUTER: “AUTOMATIC SYSTEM SHUT DOWN: COMMENCING”
[THUD]
WOMAN: “Honey, are you alright?”
ME: “Yeah…..my head hurts….”
WOMAN: “Sorry” [blush]
ME: “No, the other head”
WOMAN: “What?”
ME: “Nothing”
ME: “Did you cum”
WOMAN: “What, you didn’t notice”
ME: “Actually, I was kinda too busy to notice”
WOMAN: “You’re so weird”
ME: “You should try being the pilot next time”
WOMAN: “Get off me, I need to pee”
Do you ever find that pre-orgasm expression on a guys face funny?
Ever wonder what he’s feeling?
Its not pain
Its not pleasure
IT IS DEEP….HARD….PENETRATING….SEETHING THOUGHT!
