Why did G.O.D. bring porn into the world?

(Not that I particularly believe in a G.O.D., but as we all seem to need something or somebody to blame, to hope for, I figured it would fit for humorous purposes.)

…….?Because he made man first!?!?……

……Somewhat of a strange answer, but having thought about it, it just seems to make more and more sense. Therefore, I have come up with a theory to explain the entirety of human existence along with the creation of porn.

My theory?………

G.O.D. is one perverted fuck.

I’ll explain……..

Adam and Eve were originally created for G.O.D.’s pleasure and only for that reason.

Just think about it for a moment……

They were born into the world oblivious and as completely naked drones with the sole orders to procreate and not eat from the “tree of knowledge”.

The procreation command is simple. Fuck, and FUCK often. Pop out a baby as often as you can, but make sure to fuck or you’ll never have babies.

If you were alone with the only man or woman you ever knew existed, both in your prime, also created to be sexually starved, wouldn’t that sound like a nice command?

I think it would.

Romping around the Garden of Eden, frolicking past Angels at the gates, fucking like bunnies at every opportunity, under the newly created sun…….

,,,,,,Yessum, that’d definitely counts as paradise.

Except for one thing……..

G.O.D.

Where is G.O.D. when his creatures are busy doinking like there’s no tomorrow? Whenever he speaks to them in the bible, his voice always comes from some nondescript place – behind a tree, from a cloud, in a bush. Reasonably, one could assume that G.O.D. is hiding. But what reason would G.O.D. have to hide if he’s such an omnipresent force in the world?

He hides because he’s not omnipresent.

He’s just another perverted fuck with massive-crazy powers of influence and LOTS of props.

I’m curious how many hidden cameras he had set up in the garden’s trees? And speaking of trees, what about this “tree of knowledge” bullshit? I don’t believe for a second that it was a “tree of knowledge” at all. I think it was probably a very large, hollowed-out trunk in the center of the garden, inside of which G.O.D. had his main functional control systems. The branches and “fruit” were probably completely wired up the wazoo, which was why the happy humping couple were forbidden from eating them. Sure, they could touch the trunk or look at the apples. But I think you’d have quite a acknowledgment if you bit into a piece of fruit and chomped down on a circuit-board or maybe got an electric shock of some kind that would bring you to your damn senses.

What about the snake, you ask? I have a couple of theories about that as well.
1) The snake was one of G.O.D.’s multiple schizoid personalities trying to fuck with him and screw him over.
2) There WAS no talking snake. I have no doubt that G.O.D. kept the two of them drugged. The snake was just a handy dandy scapegoat for two people who were probably as high as the equivalent of dropping a dangerously high amount of acid, with a bunch of shrooms added to the mix just for good fun.

When our frivolously frisky friends had their little shocking awakening after biting into god’s robo-fruit they suddenly realized they were naked and in a strange garden. Why is all the emphasis in the bible on why G.O.D. was so mad? Do you realize how fucking scary it can be to wake up completely naked and covered in love juice, your body still unbelievably and unbearably horny and in a place completely and utterly foreign to you with only some faded memories of a badger hill, some sand, a carrot and a cucumber [?!?], with some sick freak with his Willy hanging out of his pants screaming at you from inside a tree??

I’d leave quickly too, if that were I.

I picture G.O.D. in my head at this point and come up with an image not unlike the “It’s Man” from Monty Python’s Flying Circus. A crazed, dangerously crafty hermit with no sense of anything other than sex, watching it, enjoying it and discovering how all his personalities felt about the act.

We’re all told that mankind was created in G.O.D.’s image, right?

Well this certainly fits when you think about how convoluted the world’s view of ‘decency’ really is. Man cannot create his own creatures to fuck before him, so he either hires others to do so, or he turns to the Internet……….and we are all aware of the massively scary selection of material out there to satisfy the god-like minds of our eternally horny race.

G.O.D. is as much of a perverted fuck as the rest of us and that means we really are following in his omnipotent footsteps, just as we are leaving a trail of jizz and condom wrappers behind us.

Thank you for your time.

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