There are times when it’s hard to know what to say, when the situation is so bleak, the problems so entrenched, that it’s hard to see a way out. The proverbial phrase, “Everything will be all right” sounds hollow, but sometimes it’s the best I can come up with. I confess to a certain tendency to commiserate. I suppose I’ve felt that, having no practical advice to offer, I could at least be sympathetic, and hope that brought some comfort.
But I’ve had to rethink that approach in light of reading about websites endorsing group suicides. Here was well-intentioned sympathy taken to its ultimate conclusion, and it was not helpful. Encouraging and supporting someone in taking his or her own life doesn’t ease the pain of loneliness or depression or uselessness; it validates it. It says, in essence, “You’re right. Your life is pointless. You’ve hit bottom and there’s no way out.” I want no part of that on any level.
There have been times when I’ve dug myself into some pretty deep, dark holes – strained relationships that nearly tore my sanity apart, finances on the brink of bankruptcy, friends whose behavior were spinning out of control.
Looking back, I remember two or three friends whose calm, caring confidence that there was a light at the end of the tunnel brought me hope when I needed it most. They didn’t flippantly dismiss the challenges I was facing. But they didn’t commiserate either. They help me put things into context. They encouraged patience and commitment. Their confidence that there was a way out encouraged me to hope.
“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil:”
(Ps. 23:4) has taken on deep significance for me, even though I do not necessarily believe in the G.O.D. Though I have my doubts once in a while, I have begun to trust that I am not a failure; and that things are not hopeless; which deepens my understanding, strengthens my character, and turns hardships into stepping-stones to grace.
I think I’ve taken comfort in the idea that the ‘ordeals of life’ aren’t proof that I am a failure as a human being. In time I have come to see that real solutions involve something deeper than just escaping painful consequences. Real solutions require spiritual growth, a deeper understanding of the principles that govern living and a willingness to put these principles into practice.
It would be a shame if the best I could offer the “small and insignificant” were indifference or a tacit validation of their worst fears – that their life has no value and would not be missed. I would like to do much better than that, for their sake and my own…….So, I’ve resolved that there will be no more commiserating.
