FOFL…..
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Hey Miss Manners!!! LICK ME!!!
Okay, pervs and pervettes. It’s time for Chow Yun Smut to step up and testify on the importance of manners. I don’t care which fork you use at the dinner table, I don’t care if you hold the door open for the ladies, I don’t care about the ongoing debate on who pays for a date. This is all about giving head.
DISCLAIMER: This is NOT a primer for technique. For that, I will humbly refer you to The Vice Guide To Sex, Drugs, & Rock And Roll where they handle the topic quite well. I am also not discussing BDSM, professionals, or anything other than the garden variety oral sex that goes on between two people, be they vanilla or Night Train & Crack Swirl. Manners, folks. Etiquette. Because I was recently confronted with a person who has apparently been allowed to be sexually active with more than one person, and yet nobody has taken the time to inform this person of some very basic rules of engagement. I will be covering both fellatio and cunnilingus, giving tips for both boys and girls. This here is an euqal opportunity journal. I invite questions, as well as anecdotes and tips of your own. Also? I’m basing this on heterosexual head-giving. Smart people say, “Write what you know”, and besides, you homos can damn well take care of yourselves. YOU’RE the ones with the special enzyme that means the more you give head, the better your cheekbones get. Get your own primer.
Now, with that out of the way,
FELLATIO
Ah, sucking dick. For the penis owner, it’s a wonderful thing. For the mouth owner, it can also be a wonderful thing. Getting off and hearing/making somebody get off are both awesome, and when it’s done conscientiously, it will be remembered and cherished for many many masturbatory sessions to come. Heh. Come. I just made a pun there.
There are quite a few women, however, that have gone on a bit of a strike against the kind of gleeful and free head-giving days of yore. Often, I am confronted with angry males regarding this, and I always wind up giving the same advice. Here, you get it for free, and it’s all anonymous and stuff. Put it into practice, and you’ll be GOLDEN.
Boys:
1) Landscape, please. You see, while there are loads of women who depilate their crotchal regions by razor, epilady (*shudder*), hot wax, and Nair, not so many guys do the same thing unless their genitals are on display for the whole wide world to see. This must be stopped. I’m not saying that it should ALL go away, and I understand that shaving one’s scrotum is an endeavour NOT to be taken lightly, but a little pruning of the hedges is a really good idea. You see, hair comes out of its follicles at some very inopportune times. Having one of those mile-long pubes stuck to the roof of the mouth waaay in the back of the throat can cause a bit of consternation and there’s no beverage in the world that can dislodge that little fucker. Since the lovely noise of “HAAAAUUUUULK!!!! CHHHHHHHHHHHUUUULLLLLLAAAAAK!” tends to be less than sexy (and sometimes shatters the mood), do your part to prevent this type of hairball-horking. You’ll find that if you prune the hedges a tad, your Area will get much more attention.
2) Unless requested, do NOT put your hands on the back of your partner’s head and push. Ditto that for entwining the fingers in the hair and doing same. We like it when you touch us, and usually our heads are the only thing within reach. Touch our face, grab our hair, whatever you like. The second that you push our heads onto your cock, however, some of us may have flashbacks to Unpleasant Experiences, and it may even be bad enough to cause us to put a stop to that fabulous suckjob you were just enjoying. Granted, if she says she wants you to throatfuck her, you go right ahead. But again, this is a *specific request*. If it is not made, just play nice and enjoy the ride.
3) A little warning, please! When you are going to shoot your load, it is The Law Of The Land that you inform us. If you do not, you risk being fired, being snowballed, or having other unspeakable things done to you. (Also, it is especially important that you do NOT shove the back of our head when you make this announcement. REALLY fucking important. Got it, Chief?) Talk to god or the FSM, say your partner’s name in that sexy “oh-holy-shit” voice, but Let. Us. Know. It gives us time to decide if we’re going to want it in our mouth, on our tits, in our hair, or shooting across the room to see if you can hit the wall this time. And it’s polite.
4) It’s NOT a Fine White Wine. A lot of boys talk to me about the fact that nobody ever wants to let the ejaculate in their mouth. “Why not???”, they whinge. I’ll tell you. The diet of the average penis-owner is fucking wretched, especially should you happen to be American as well. High sodium, loads of red meat and coffee, and just not nearly enough potassium. Your partner won’t let you come in their mouth? Do yourself a favour, killer. Next time you’re throwing the Spam Javelin and you get some shpoo on your hand, have a nice lick. (This only makes you gay if you lick somebody *else’s* blooge, not your own. You’re performing a scientific experiment. If it makes you feel better, say out loud in your best Dexter voice, “It’s a BEEYOOTEEful day for science!”) As a matter of fact, I double DOG dare you to do it. Now, would you want to give a mouthful of THAT to somebody who’s being nice enough to you that they’re going to suck your dick? Really. So…cut down on the salt intake, go for the chicken for a while, and no coffee. Have some nice pineapple juice, a ham steak, bananas. Potassium is the friend of the semen. If you’re lacking, so will your taste be. Instead of the usual Bleach & Oyster Stew, serve up something a little less vile. Your partner will thank you for it.
5) No matter where you came, kiss us afterwards. Unless your partner says, “omg no way lemme rinse first where’s the goddamn Listerine???” and starts singing Tarzan Boy as they run to the bathroom, you should be polite enough to give us a hearty Thank You kiss for a job well done. I mean, after YOU get done with US, the first thing you do is come up to the surface and shove your tongue down our throat. Let us do the same to you. Fair’s fair.
Girls:
1) How many times do we have to tell you NO FUCKING TEETH ALREADY!!!??? I don’t even think I should have to elaborate, but I keep hearing about egregious ignorance of this rule. You don’t want somebody to chew on YOUR special bits, do you??? Stop it. It’s not nice. You learned in preschool that biting is bad. Now that you’re an adult, you should know that not ALL biting is bad, but that biting peepees is still totally against the rules. You don’t wish to get a reputation as The Shredder, do you? Then sheathe those fucking things already. Jebus!
2) Testicles. They want your attention. It’s RUDE that you don’t give it to them. There they are, innocently hangin’ there, conveniently placed, and you ignore them??? Now come on. They won’t hurt you! They’re hearing all sorts of good things about you from their friend the penis. Why are you going to leave them out of your reindeer games??? Give them a little fondle with your hand (y’know, the one that’s NOT wrapped around the penis or gripping your partner’s incredibly fabulous ass), show them around the inside of your mouth, batter them a little bit with your tongue! See? It’s fun! And oh, the noises you’ll get out of your partner! Woohoo!
3) Know your limits. If you can’t deep throat and you KNOW this, then don’t even try to show off. Especially not in a first encounter. It will go very badly. If it’s a skill that you wish to learn, and you have a willing study partner, then by all means coat the bed in plastic and go to town! However, it’s only polite to NOT attempt those tricks at home that you’ve seen performed by hardly trained professionals. Gagging is only hot when both people are going for that, and not too many folks are into being puked on. Remember, I’m not talking about pros, here. I’m talking about civillians, people who DON’T give blowjobs for a living. Don’t choke on the cock. Stomach acid can sting, and vomiting on an unsuspecting partner is definitely giving more than anyone bargained for.
4) Oh, stop making that face. If you don’t want to be giving head in the first place, then you should say so and find another way to get him off. If you encouraged him to come in your mouth, then you are only allowed a slight grimace at the taste as you swallow (and point your face down, please, so he doesn’t get a complex about it). After that, of course, you may begin singing Tarzan Boy and run for the Listerine, but until that point, play nice. You wouldn’t want him to make a face like that after he’d just eaten YOU, would you? You’d probably go right home and cry, wouldn’t you?
5) It’s not indestructible. It’s a penis. A part of the anatomy. Sometimes it’ll have some foreskin, in which case, you need to be REALLY GODDAMN CAREFUL because the head is going to be about a million times more sensitive than the crew-neck brigade, because it’s not been rubbed by boxer shorts, jeans, and every other damn thing under the sun. Feel how soft the skin is? It wants to be treated somewhat gently. There’s all that blood in there making it swollen, and the nerve endings are on Orange Alert. If he wants something a bit rougher, he’ll let you know. Also, you can gradually get more enthusiastic with your ministrations as the BJ goes on, but you should be listening carefully for ANY clue that what you’re doing might be painful. If you’re not sure what else to do, hum or moan with his cock inside your mouth. It’s sometimes called “a hummer” for a reason, and the vibrations are soothing in a lovely sort of way.
BOTH OF YOU: Communication is key. Talk. Tell your partner what you want, or how much you really like what they’re doing, or something else you’d love for them to do if you need to distract them from an action that isn’t working for you. Look each other in the eye (well, as much as you can from that angle without giving yourself an eyeball cramp). It’s hot. Totally.
CUNNILINGUS
Oh man. The Box Lunch. Assuming The Queen’s Position. Eating At The Y. Most women love it, others aren’t so sure. No matter what, it’s a really nice, intimate way to say Hello! as well as gauge the reaction and increase the local temperature.
Girls:
1) *singin’* Some girrrls, some girls they never…WASH OUT that thing, that thing, that thiiiing */singin’* Seriously. You are the owner/operator of a vagina. You are responsible for keeping it well clean, especially if it’s going to be making an appearance at a very exclusive party. FDS is not acceptable, because it simply masks whatever mankiness you couldn’t be bothered to shower off. I’m not saying that you need to take a bottle brush to the thing, but keep it clean enough that your patrner isn’t wondering if perhaps instead of taking you home he should’ve taken you to a good doctor.
2) Landscape, please. Now, I’ve heard that there is a bit of a cry for the return of pubic hair on women. That guys don’t like their partner’s crotches to look like that of a 10 year-old. I can understand that. I personally choose to get rid of the hair because I don’t like it. However, should you want a manicured lawn, a racing stripe, a Clitler, or a full coverage patch, don’t let it get all gross and long. There are certain guys who dig hairy girls, but if that’s the case, he’ll let you know. If you can braid it, or it gets a bit Rastafarian looking, it’s too long. Trim that shit down. You don’t wanna hack up something on his balls, and it’s only polite that you not cause him to go through the trauma of choking on your jungle either. “Do unto others” and all that.
3) Make some noooooise! Guys tend to feel a bit detached down there, and can’t always gauge whether or not they’re doing Something Right. Talk to them. Pet their heads. Pull their hair a little. Moaning and groaning is fine if you can’t form actual words, but if you CAN form words, tell him how much you like what’s going on, or give some suggestions for something he might want to do next. He’ll thank ya for it.
4) Lay off the beans for 48 hours beforehand. Farting in his face may occasionally happen, but shamelessly firing off tear gas when he’s being so nice to you is really incredibly rude. However, should one manage to slip out, say “oh god excuse me” or whatever, and then GET OVER IT. If you dwell on it, so will he, and is THAT how you wanna remember or BE remembered?
5) Give him a great big Thank You kiss when he’s done. Tongue and all. He’s performed a service. Show him how much you appreciate his efforts.
Boys:
1) Teeth. NO! Unless we specifically ask for it, don’t you DARE put your teeth on our bits. Remember how we didn’t gnaw your sac to shreds? Kindly do us the same favour.
2) Make a little noise of your own. Women can get pretty freaked out by their own vaginas, and some of them are REALLY insecure about having anyone’s face be that close. Let us know that you’re enjoying what you’re doing. Hum. Make little noises. (Zerberting, however, is only for the Advanced class.) Talk to us. Maybe even hold our hands or something. It’s pretty hot, and we’ll feel a whole lot better about having our crotch in your face.
3) Introduce fingers ONLY if those fingers have trimmed, clean nails on them. The vagina is a delicate balance of chemicals, and if your mitts are filthy and your nails are ragged, you’re just attempting to give us some kind of infection and we really don’t appreciate that at all. Keep ‘em clean, and introduce fingers carefully. Some women get off on them, others don’t, and for some, it all depends on the time of day, phase of the moon, and what colour bra they put on that morning. As always, listen for reactions and cues. Just in case, take ‘em out after you’ve put ‘em in there. She’ll likely let you know if she wants them back. If you’re looking for something to stimulate us along with your tongue, have you ever considered the point of your chin? Yeah it might make you look *totally* like a glazed donut when you’re done, but if you get creative, you’ll reap some mighty fine rewards. And speaking of cleanliness, would you mind shaving your face? Stubble fucking HURTS.
4) Don’t freak out if we happen to be one of those Female Ejaculation types. No, we didn’t just piss the bed. We just came. Which is awesome. However, right after we do it, the realization that we’re a FREAK OF NATURE will hit us, and we’ll be totally wigged out wondering if you now hate us and want us to leave directly after washing your sheets. Settle down. It dries quickly, has virtually no smell, and it means that you totally pwn3d that pussy.
5) When we give you The Hand (or sometimes in my case, The Heel), STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING AND RETURN TO BASE. Vaginas are strange creatures, and they can get really really sensitive to the point of pain. If you keep stimulating us and we jump high enough to land on the ceiling, it’s time to stop. Really. Don’t touch the area. Maybe the thigh, maybe the tummy, maybe the arm. Some girls don’t want to be touched AT ALL after they’ve gotten off, until the nerve endings chill the fuck out. In any case, the crotch is OFF LIMITS. I will seriously snap your neck with my heel if you don’t clue in to the fact that I’m scooting my ass up the matress to GET AWAY FROM YOUR GAPING MAW. Come up here and snuggle with me instead. Gimme a kiss. Make sure you have a condom at the ready. Because we’re prolly gonna Do It really soon.
And there you have it. Any questions, class?
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